Fuuuuuuuck. I have been talking to this guy for some 6 years and he became pretty much the closest friend I have ever had. I cannot describe my love for this guy; he is the most amazing person. He’s been with me through terrible dating, school, alcoholic messes, every kind of family or school or work problem. We tell each other practically everything. And then I told him that I loved him. And everything else was changing for each of us so I, naturally, assumed that I had scared him into distancing himself because he did not feel the same. I was giving up on trying to make time for him, trying to chat, literally deciding to distance myself on purpose so that maybe I could wildly come to my senses and realize I had made up the whole love thing. It is the funniest thing when you consciously change your actions to potentially help yourself and then the other person just comes at that exact defeating moment to pull you back in. I was so prepared to avoid initiating any further conversation when he texted me back and told me that he loved me too. I almost died… There was such an unusual mixture of joy and fear and hesitation to my reaction. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with all of this sometimes. And although we do spend more time talking, and some new slight flirting, things still aren’t back to how they used to be and I think I need that level of attention/commitment back before I lose the fear of really delving into this new relationship. I do want to try and I am certain that I would be happy and blah blah blah but I really need that reassurance first, you know? And I still have that thought in the back of my mind saying ‘holy shit this is him we’re talking about! this best friend is now sexy? we might have sex. what the fuck is happening? idk if this is good… or great? or bad?’ Plus, my whole tailspin into this post started because I saw a photo of him where my first reaction was that he looked so damn hot and I kind of really want to fuck him. UGH why is there no set of directions for when your best friend becomes someone you love and want to have sex with??
